Hey! I've started a new blog full of mission stories! (Or at least, it will be full of them once I put some in.) Access it here!

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I've decided to create a page (or pages) devoted to (or rather, parodying) Mormon deep doctrines. Here's my basic idea:

Welcome to the Well of Deep Doctrine! I sincerely hope you don't drown! Fortunately, this one is a rather shallow well of deep doctrine, rather than a deep well of shallow doctrine, which means that if you fall in, you have the agency, or ability to choose, to stand up and not drown. "For Jordan will not confuse you above that which ye are able." (2 Jordan 32:16)

Just what is deep doctrine? In the Latter-day Saint church (hereafter referred to, although politically incorrect, as "Mormondom"), our official doctrine states that scriptures, and the words of the Prophets (when they are speaking as prophets, under the influence of the Holy Ghost) are equivalent to the Words of God. In other words, our official doctrine comes from God, and is not questioned (or, at least, shouldn't be).

"Deep Doctrine," on the other hand, would probably be much more accurately called "Not Doctrine At All." It is the mere speculation of Mortal Man (or Woman), whether profound, intellectual, average, or completely idiotic. Much of it might quite possibly be true, but is not of pertinence to our salvation, so God chose not to reveal it to us in order to keep our feeble minds from distraction. Some of it may very well have actually been given to individuals by the Holy Ghost in a transaction known as "Personal Revelation," but should not have been shared with others (casting pearls before the swine).

And then there's just plain stupid, ridiculous, or totally radical pseudo-doctrines that have crept into Sunday School discussions that may very well have been intentionally and subtly planted by The Anti's. These range from theories concerning possible connections with The Three Nephites to Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny (which have not caused significant problems for The Church, or at least the missionaries), to the Adam-God Theory (which have). It is because of discussions like these that every good missionary is nervous about asking investigators to attend church.

So, in the tradition of long-time members who regularly attend the Gospel Principles class without bringing investigators, and in the Spirit of the Three Stooges Theory, I have decided to make my contribution to Mormon Controversy in the form of this page. Here you will find ridiculous speculations that come from somewhere much further out there than Kolob. They, in fact, come from the loopiest, looniest, deepest, darkest corners of my brain (and also a few other brains that couldn't keep their mouths shut in my presence) — also referred to as La-La-Land.

DISCLAIMER: These speculations do not accurately represent the doctrines of the LDS church, and are almost certainly contrary to them. I am not responsible for damage to your brain that may occur as a result of reading this material.

Table of Contents:

• Theories Involving Outer Space, Dinosaurs, Mythical Creatures, and Elvis Presley
• Theories Almost Vaguely Relating to our Salvation, But Not Quite
• Three Nephites/John the Revelator Stories and Theories
• Controversial Parables and Interpretations
• Illogical Loopholes
• The Unnatural Nature of Heaven, Immortality and Deity
• Explanations for Mormon Culture

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One of the two major religious principles that I feel is vital to self-improvement and accomplishing good in the world (the other being faith) is the concept of grace. We, as humans, are imperfect. This is a state we inherited from our first parents, Adam and Eve, when they partook of the forbidden fruit and became mortal. Since that event, they were able to reproduce but were also subject to sin (spiritual death, or separation from God's presence) and physical death (separation of one's spirit from their body). We, because of our imperfection and uncleanliness, are incapable of returning to God's presence. Since God is our Father and He loves us, He wants us to return to live with Him. So He came up with a plan and made a way for us to accomplish this. Since He cannot overlook sin and every sin must be paid for, and since we ourselves are incapable of paying for our own sins adequately, He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, into the world to pay for them for us. In this way, the law of Justice is fulfilled, and God can also be merciful. However, since Christ paid for our sins, we are indebted to Him. In order for His grace to apply to us, we must do our very best to adhere to the conditions that He gave. (As we are imperfect, we can't live up to His conditions perfectly. Christ's grace allows us to be judged by our faith, desires and efforts, rather than what we actually accomplish on our own.)

These conditions are that we must exercise faith in Him by following His commandments (which are more than just the ten commandments, contrary to popular belief) to the best of our abilities, repent (which means to change our behavior and desires in conformity with God's will) when we fall short, and make a covenant (or promise) with Him. We must covenant that we will always remember Him, stand as His witness, and keep His commandments.

This covenant is made through a physical rite called baptism, which symbolizes death, burial, and resurrection (or being born again) into a new way of life. When we receive the gift of the Holy Ghost (or the Spirit of God), that is the moment when Christ's grace or atoning sacrifice applies to us and we are cleansed from sin.

Christ's Atonement is for far more than just sin. It makes up the difference for all of the effects of mortality: everything that is unfair and beyond our control can be made right through His grace. This includes physical death — each of us will be resurrected someday, whether or not we lived good lives. This is a free gift to everybody who has ever lived on earth. We all receive immortality, but not necessarily eternal life (which is defined as returning to live with God for eternity). It is also because of His grace that we can be healed from illness or injury when we exercise faith in Him.

Since the Atonement is for more than just covering negative things; because it is also the enabling power that causes miracles and any positive thing that is beyond our own power, that I feel it is vitally important to have as close a relationship with Christ as possible in order to reach our full potential and accomplish great good in the world. We can only do so much by ourselves; but through Christ we are perfected. As long as we have the Spirit with us, His grace is working in our lives.

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